30 June 2003 - 12:09 a.m.
So I've lived in this crappy appartment for a just over a year now, I think, and I can accurately say that in that time, not a single woman has set foot in it. Not a date, not a friend, relative, Jehovah's Witness, not a one. To be fair, not a lot of guys have been here either, but that's not the point. The point (beware of segue) is: I'm really fuckin' lonely.
("Oh no, it's mopey time." "Yes, it is. Suck it up.")
I haven't really been interested in many girls in the past... Christ, like, three years. I just haven't felt a whole lot of chemistry. I remember, back in high school, and for the first couple years of college, I couldn't turn around without finding a fierce infatuation, but these days... I don't know, it's just not there. It's almost like the standard of quality for women has been declining. I'd think it was me, but I don't think my standards have changed much... If anything, they've broadened. I'm just not finding much charm out there (no offence... although it's not like there are any girls reading this that I haven't known for years and hit on blatantly at some point or another).
A couple times I've developed some serious interest, but the shoot-downs are coming quicker than ever these days (probably because, since I'm finding so few qualified specimens, I'm quick to make myself known, lest they be snapped up by some sexy musician or charming fratty). This generally means I don't even get any serious flirt time. It's straight from "Hi" to "Wanna go out" to "Boy, this is awkward". It's quite aggrivating.
So I've decided not to go after any girl who doesn't show interest in me first. I'm sick of getting the cold shoulder just for being open about being interested. I lost a couple good female friends in college because of this... I felt like I could trust them enough to be open, but it was straight to the silent treatment for me. Bah.
Actually, I made this resolution a while back, but I'm really bad about sticking to it, largely because it NEVER HAPPENS. Not once. So I keep taking shots, falling short, and feeling like a jerk for making some poor girl's life more complicated. I hate this crap. Can't we just develop some kind of application/resume system instead? My "boyfriend qualifications" come out pretty good on paper ("Patient, kind, loyal, no record of traumatic breakups or shouting fights, has own car"). Of course, I guess I wouldn't want to be judged by the quality of my stationery...
Oh well, I guess there's not much to be done about it... It's just back to the ol' grind, reying to ignore the increasingly rare gems I happen to pass by, failing, trying to court, failing again, and feeling like a jerk. Dude, this game sucks. I'm gonna go play Dead or Alive.
Relevant lyric:
"If you're lonely you get lazy,
If you're lazy you get lonely,
It's all too hard to take what you deserve."
-Ned's Atomic Dustbin, Who Goes First
Back, to the caverns of history - Onward, to glory!
